Today is the anniversary of my fathers death, and if you didnt personally know him, then this blog doesnt even matter to you, just stop reading it. There are only a handful of people that would truly understand what im writing about, and you know who you are.
Maybe something is wrong with me, maybe I cant cope with things the way others can, but till this day, I will never never ever accept or be ok with the fact that my father had to die. Till this day, a picture of him makes me cry, till this day, i replay in my mind over and over good times we had, or the things he would say, or anything about him cuz only that makes me feel better.
Till his last breathing moment, he tried to survive, he wasnt ready to go. Cancer invaded his body and stole him from us, and the only thing in my eyes that has justified his death is the fact that he is no longer suffering, because i wouldnt want him to be suffering the way he did. But thats it, there is no other reason why he had to die at such a young age, 62 fucken years old, a month before he was going to retire.
So like I said till this day, i dont see anything beneficial about him dying. i dont understand when people tell me he is in a better place. FUCK THAT! he is not in a better place. His place, where he should be, the best place he could ever be, and believe me when i say, if he had a choice the ONLY place that he would want to be is here with us, its here, next to me - his baby, and next to his other daughters, and next to his wife of 35 years, and next to his grandchildren. All his fucken life all he ever did was work work work so that we could have a home to live in and we could have food and we could be comfortable, And he worked so hard so that my mom could have a nice car and cute clothes, so that i could go to a private school, so that he could go on family vacations when my sister lived in germany and then on other vacations with isabel and jacob. He didnt care to work double shift, or wake up at 4 in the morning sometimes even on weekends. His love was unconditional, it was the old school kind, it was real.
So you tell me hes in a better place? NOPE, He should be able to have gone to Jacobs baseball games, and he should have been able to dance with his "favorite" granddaughter at her quinceanera, and he should have been able to see Joseph and Richard graduate, and even though i dont have children yet, he sure as hell should have been able to meet and kiss and hug my firstborn if i ever have one and any children thereafter! He should be here to celebrate my moms 60th bday in a few weeks the way we celebrated his, and this past week, HE should have been the one going with my mom to Vegas, not anyone else.
He should be here rooting me on as i attempt to complete my master cleanse diet, just like he rooted me on for every fucken idiotic thing i ever did in my life. He was the only person in this whole wide world who loved and accepted and was proud of me for me, ...that kind of unconditional love that no matter what i did, or how i fucked up, or how i hurt his feelings, his love was always there. He loved me even if i once ran away from home, or cuz i didnt graduate college on time, or cuz i gained a million lbs and looked fat, or cuz i cried over a boy, he was always there, to him i was beautiful no matter how i looked or what i did, i could have been a crack head, and maybe he wouldv whooped my ass, but he would have still loved me., to him i was everything, and he felt like that about his wife, his daughters, and grandchildren .
And if you want to call me selfish for wanting him here because i need him and because he always made me feel better then go right ahead, Guilty as charged, im selfish. Its not my fault he was always there for me and got me used to it. I know for a fact that no matter what i wouldv done or said, he would have never abandoned me like others did when i was in a wheelchair after my accident, and i wish i could ask for his advice about my love life, or about issues at work, because even though he didnt always have the right answer, he always, somehow made me feel better, and made me feel like no matter what, things would be ok.
(*although about my accident im very lucky to have had my sister isabel take care of me with the same unconditional love and to have jacob and mike and raymond there for me in az helping me out and taking me places and wheeling me around i couldnt have done it without them and here in cali my sister betty)
Im not ungrateful, and i know im lucky to have had a father figure in my life, and i know im lucky to have had him in my life for twenty five years, and i know i lucked out to have had him as a father. And he taught me unconditional love, and that is what i have for my family no matter what. But regardless of that, or maybe because of it, i will never get over it. I wouldnt wish the pain i felt when he died upon my worst enemy. And no, my life has never and will never be the same. and, nope, not everything happens for a reason, because i dont see any good reason for him dying, or missing out on our lives. And yeah, its been four years, but i feel like it was yesterday. And im angry, and sad, and i cry, and miss him so fucken much. And i wish i could just hug him, or tell him how much i love him. And yes, i get jealous when people have there dads on fathers day cuz i wish i could bbq with my dad and take him to eat and buy him a cheesy tie. And maybe im wrong for not coming to terms with his death, but i cant control what my heart feels. and my only consolation is hoping that maybe one day, when i dye, i will be with him again.
R.I.P. Genaro B Topete
Your life wasnt lived in vain, there are still some of us who are keeping you alive as long as we live.
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